Memories

It's been over 20 years since my mother passed away from cancer. She died when I was only 25. I had been in the military and married for just under 2 years. It was a time that I was getting to know my mother as a woman instead of a mom. I feel sad that I missed out on talking to my mom as an equal about all those "womanly" subjects like marriage and kids. Today I listened to a song that she used to play all the time the last year of her life. It was Memory, from Cats, sung by Barbra Streisand. After all these years, I cried my eyes out while I listened to it. It almost seems like yesterday that she died.

Tired

I'm going to be 50 in 3 years and I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. Just the usual question: what have I done with my life? It's so silly really, I've done a lot and there's a lot more to come. But we all go through this silly little phase where we wonder if we've made an impact on the world. Christ, who has time? Quite frankly lately I've just been too tired to make an impact on the world! The last teenager of 4 is going to be the death of me yet. It's the youngest that's always the hardest (speaking from experience since I'm the youngest). But back to me. Why do we go through this feeling that death is stalking me right when life should be settling into a nice routine. We're at the age where we have money to enjoy, the kids are going out on their own, and you have more time for each other. Instead it seems that the years are getting shorter and shorter as we careen towards death. I swear that life did not go this fast when I was young. Last year I didn't get to the beach once. When I first moved out here I was at the beach every weekend. But that was before I had a family and a house to keep up. I was single and free. And what was I doing? Checking out potential husbands at the beach! Aren't we a funny lot, when we are in a family we dream of being single, but when we are single we're trolling for a partner. It's like the girls with straight hair always wishing for curly hair and the curly hair girls wishing for straight hair. We're quite the lot, never satisfied with what we have. I think I'm just a little bored. For the last 5 years I've been going to school, working full-time and in the reserves. Now I've graduated and I retired from the reserves. I'm not used to having free time and only one job. I have to find a hobby. Now that's a hoot, the last thing I need is one more hobby. So what to do about my mid-life crisis? Buy a sports car - no, that's a guy thing. Have an affair - now that's a hoot. Get my master's degree - hmmm...are you nuts! Start my own business. Now that's an idea.